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Love is Love.



Hey my darlings.

I'm taking a huge breath before writing this post and a long sigh of relief that I feel comfortable enough to write it. I've shared an awful lot across my blog over the years, from my eating disorder, anxiety, relationships, thoughts, feelings and so on. This topic is one I've never really thought about sharing, until now. I want to talk about my sexuality, love, relationships, the confusion and fear I have felt and the point of finally finding out who I am and being comfortable with that. I hope this can help at least one of you reading. 

I am bisexual. I am attracted to both men and women. I have only just started saying it this year out loud. I haven't said that online until this point. 

I am a huge believer and always have been, that love is love, regardless of gender. It just took me a very long time to figure out what that meant. I personally was brought up in a world (not intentionally) where I believed in my own mind that women fell in love with men and men fell in love with women. That was quite simply the way it was, no different.  I feel like for myself and many others this leaves a pool of confusion when your mind feels differently. Yet I pushed that to the back of my mind for many, many years. 

Growing up. 

Growing up, I always exclaimed I was straight, I didn't know anything different and of course that was okay. I was always predominately attracted to males, yanno when the hormones kick in and you start to feel nervous and like you can't get words out around the person you fancy. We've all been there! For me it was always boys, never girls, so obviously I never questioned in my head. At a guess it was around the age of 14 when I started to feel a little differently. I couldn't even explain to you what that feeling was if I'm honest. It was a weird sensation that part of me was missing, like I couldn't show myself for who I was but I seriously couldn't figure out why. As I got older I think I knew that I found both sexes attractive but I didn't know how to make sense of it, I think I just tried convincing myself I wasn't. Honestly, it wasn't that I was scared of 'coming out'. I had no reason to be, luckily my mum is the most understanding and accepting woman, and loves me regardless. I am very grateful for that. I just didn't know myself. 

Realisation. 

Before I came to uni I had only ever been with males. Both of my previous relationships were both boyfriends. One of these was a very emotionally abusive relationship which completed altered my view towards men and relationships. Through all of this, I went through a few years where I'd almost forgotten about the confusion. When I came to uni it was as if a whole new world was opened up to me. The game changed. in my first few weeks at uni I kissed more girls than I ever had in my life. It was new and exciting and relit that confusion in my brain in which I had buried for so long. This was the first time in my life I actually realised that I was certainly not just sexually attracted to males but certainly females too. I got into a new relationship very quickly after starting uni, with a male and once again put it to the back of my mind that the female species existed. How could I be bisexual? I only ever went with men ultimately. I felt a fraud, if that's even a thing. Someone once asked me about my sexuality and how I could I kiss females but just be with men. I didn't know how to answer. The confusion was back. The relationship I was in ended very quickly and I went on the biggest downfall of my life. I lost control. 


Deep in Confusion. 

By this point I have never been more confused in my life. I know this post is just a hell lot of confusion, but that's the feeling we are going for, okay. I felt like the more men I was with the more I lost attraction to the male species at all. But because I'd never really accepted I liked women, I felt like I was attracted to no one, if that even makes sense. I was scared I have to admit, because deep down I still hadn't found comfort in who I was. I felt numb for the following months following that relationship. I remember starting to come out to various friends in a jokingly way that I liked males and females but I don't think anyone took it seriously. Not even me. This went on for some time, I was on and off with both men and women. Still deep in confusion. It felt so strange to be starting to openly admit to who I was. I'd never said before 'yes I fancy women'. However I was sexually attracted to women but the thought of a relationship long term was a no go. I constantly found myself questioning, 'am I bi or not? I can't be'. 

The moment of acceptance. 

As many of you will know I am now in a very happy and loving relationship with my boyfriend Ste and he is my forever person. I love him more than words could say. He's made me happier in the short time we've been together than anyone ever has and I couldn't imagine him as anything else. He is my rock and I love him for him. Me and Ste have had many chats about sexuality and this exact topic. It was being so comfortable with him that actually allowed me to come to terms with that I am in fact bisexual.

I read something on twitter about a month ago regarding sexuality and being bisexual. A comment I saw from someone else stuck strong in my head, they expressed how you can be sexually attracted to both genders and romantically attracted to one. Then it clicked. I had never heard ANYONE say this before. It was completely new to me. I felt like a light had been switched on and I could openly sit there and say this is who I am and that is OKAY. I'd never felt a feeling like it. Just because I was with a male doesn't make me any less of who I am. And just because I only ever saw myself with a male long term didn't mean I was some alien. 

Honestly, for the first time ever. I am comfortable with my sexuality, my relationship and myself. And that feels amazing. I couldn't be happier.

Speak soon, 

Holli Jessi x





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