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You can still struggle.

I am having one of them days where the world seems too much and my motivation in life is -100. You know that feeling where no matter how hard you try absolutely nothing seems to form in your brain. Like you’re stuck on a roller coaster on the highest, scariest point and nothing at all is coming to get you off that god damn ride. Even as an adrenaline junkie, I’d still hate that. Well that is what my brain feels like today. It’s stuck and cannot move. The panic of the mountain of work I have is piling up beneath me and my little brain cannot handle the feeling.

I’ve always had days or little periods like this throughout my life where I feel so demotivated from the things I usually love and the thought of this comes crashing down on me. I hate it. I sit and wonder:

‘Why cannot simply get myself going?’ 

‘Why am I finding today so hard?’

Yet I’ve realised something…Sometimes you just can’t. You just can’t do it. 

A good friend of mine has brought something to my light in this period. It got my brain ticking and I instantly had to write it down in the thought process it took me off on. When your life takes a massive turn for the better, there are good things around us, and we believe we are coping. Things seem a little easier, or in the sense of recovery from an illness, there are more good days than bad. We get so excited and overwhelmed, that we forget for a huge part of our lives we were sick and unable to deal with what life entails. We have these moments of sadness or anxiety and question why it is we feel this way because we are happy.

The more I thought about this the more I could relate it to my own situation and it really hit hard. I’ve spent years in recovery, each year getting better, learning more, growing more. Yes, there have been setbacks and much harder times but in the grand scheme of things, I’ve been on the up compared to 16-year-old Holli. It’s a high, the good days, the positives, the love, the laughter. It feels normal. So much that I’ve forgotten that I was not long ago struggling and unable to deal with any responsibility whatsoever. 

I feel since beginning my recovery and becoming this beacon of light to myself and others, I have shut my brain off to the thought of myself ever being sick. It’s like I talk about my Eating Disorder in past tense, like it was someone else living through it providing only facts. A question to really think about is, if dethatching yourself from your illness is really the best coping mechanism? Are you simply just avoiding it? I am not saying there is any right or wrong here, it's just a thought. (A contrast on my last post to say the least, haha)

There is so much more to recovery than the external, on the surface parts. There are still things deep inside of me which affect me daily which I have buried and tried to forget. So much that when these hazy days come around, I forget that I haven’t dealt with life for a very long time while I was at my worst and that my brain works slightly differently to many. Maybe I’m still not the best at it? Maybe life is simply too much sometimes?

I know on days like this I’d usually binge or starve. One extreme or the other. The unhealthy coping mechanisms. But what do I do to cope now? I still want to deep down. But I don’t because I've grown more strength to fight it however I’m still not dealing optimally. Or dealing in the way I thought I was. I’m still hard on myself, I still panic, I still struggle. 

I am currently in the BEST place I have ever been in but I was sick of a lot of years. I think it’s going to take a lot more years to deal with life. And maybe, just maybe for the first time in my life, that is OKAY.

Holli Jess x


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