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You can recover.

I very rarely talk about my past or mental health anymore which isn't because I'm ashamed or don't want to talk about it but more because my life has moved on a lot since then. Recently however I have been thinking about how far my life has come, especially this year and it's sparked something in me which I feel I need to talk about.

One of the main purposes for my blog was to help and inspire as many people as I could, especially when I was suffering with a lot of mental health illness. I knew I had a lot of people reading who were also suffering with similar things. 

When I look back to even a year ago and seeing how much I have overcome actually overwhelms me. I can now sit here and say I have fully recovered from anorexia which is something I honestly believed I'd never say. Due to this, I think part of me wants to simply move on and forget it ever happened, hence why I have been so quiet on the mental health front. The thing is you can't just forget a good 5 years of your life. So rather than me seeing it in a negative light, I see it in a positive one. My eating disorder taught me so much more than I could ever imagine and made me into the strong, determined woman I am today. It's given me so much pride in myself to know I overcame her.

Taking that into account, I'm not going to just suddenly be quiet about it. I want to use what I have been through to show everyone out there who may be battling with this life threatening disorder, that no matter how much you believe you will never overcome it, you CAN and you WILL. I spent years of my teenage years believing that I was going to be stuck in that place forever, so much self hate, guilt and obsession. In fact I remember claiming that I would never recover. That I would just learn to deal with it which is what I think a large amount of people believe in any mental illness. With my eating disorder came anxiety and I suffered badly with panic attacks, I'd convinced myself they were just things which were part of me. They practically became my identity and honestly, I had no clue who I was without them. With that belief gave me no chance of moving forward.

Over the past 6 months my life has changed a lot and weirdly enough letting go of the belief I was always going to have a eating disorder, was the one thing that truly allowed me to recover. There is one hypnotherapy session I had where it suddenly clicked, the reason I couldn't move forward in life was because I was telling myself I couldn't move forward. I was 'Hollie the girl with anorexia' and I continuously worried about my future, about relapsing, about passing my terrible habits and traits onto my children, about never finding anyone who could 'put up with me'... It was a never ending cycle which was causing me more harm than good. I was still giving doubt to my body and she was only responding in one way. So, I let it go. I told myself I didn't have an eating disorder. That I wasn't going to go back. That my future was no reflection of the past. I could love someone and they could love me. I could have a family and be a role model to my children. It sounds crazy but by confirming this to my subconscious mind was almost like telling my body she could trust me and with that she responded.

I'm not saying that things are going to change overnight, the physical part of my recovery took a few years to get my health back in a good place which is still not perfect. 7 years of damage sadly isn't going to fix in a few months. For years I suffered with multiple health issues which made the whole process extremely hard, especially mentally. Yet again, as soon as I let the idea go that Anorexia was my indienity, weirdly enough 2 days later my period came back. I feel like all my body ever wanted was for me to be at peace with her.

Like I said further up in the post, everything I have fought through has led me to where I am today and because of that I want to use it to give other people that hope. 2 years ago I thought my life was over, now in 2 months I am moving to go to university, something I had always dreamed of doing.

I asked on twitter and Instagram if you wanted to see a series of blog posts based around eating disorders covering my experience, the reality, tips for family and friends etc. Basically a form of hope and the realistic behind what it is actually like living with an eating disorder and living with someone who has a eating disorder. To my surprise the response for these posts was extremely high. So I feel like it's my time, to give my heart into the world and show you truly can overcome whatever challenge you're facing. I promise.

Let me know if there are any topics/subjects you would like me to cover.

All my love,

Holli Jessi


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