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NOT ALL ABUSE IS PHYSICAL - A unknown story.

That's a bit of a daunting title for me right? Um yep. I was extremely sceptical as to whether I wanted to post this, it's not entirely what I usually post and in fact a topic I have never once talked about. Which if you know me is VERY unusual as I'm pretty much one big open book. 

I asked on twitter as to whether people wanted to see this post, and the majority of you said yes. I feel like it could really help some of you maybe going through a similar thing, so I guess I have nothing to lose with posting it. 

So, where do I begin. In the past, I've not had the best luck when it comes to relationships which I can admit was down to my own lack of self worth and past experiences I was still holding onto. Growing up I didn't have the best family experiences (like most of us don't) and I'd watched my mum be continuously hurt by men again and again. As a teen growing up, feelings suddenly sprouting and hormones lurking, this was only going to create one theory in my head. I couldn't trust men and for a long, long time I truly believed this. 

Now, this wasn't really me being a stereotypical 'man hating' woman. It was just the way I thought the world worked, I truly believe as a young girl that men hurt women but could never understand why. When I was going through my eating disorder, my lack of self worth dropped even more and the fact I was poorly made me fear ever going near anyone. I'd created a belief that they wanted me for one thing and if I was poorly, I couldn't give them what they wanted, meaning what was the point. The thing is back then I truly believed I was going to have a eating disorder forever, so ever being in a relationship or creating my own family was NEVER going to happen. I'd also created the belief that what had happened to myself and our family was then going to happen to my own family one day, which is why I then convinced myself I never wanted children. 

Through all this my mindset was in a very scary place. So I shut myself off. I almost became numb and saw feelings as a weakness. I'd make out as if I was this tough nut who would never love anyone, not just in a relationship but in my friendships and family relationships also. Deep down, I knew this wasn't me, and all it continued to do was attract the wrong people. 

I got used multiple times and attracted males who simply didn't care about me but just how good I was in bed. I hate to admit that but it's true. I know so many females, and males who are probably going through something so similar hence why I really wanted to share my experience and how I've truly overcome it. 

Take it back to just over a year ago, January 17. I met someone who in the beginning changed my life so much for the better. At this point, I was just in recovery for my eating disorder and had very little social life and friends. So, to find someone who was generally interested in being my friend was amazing, it lit me up in so many ways which hadn't been there for a long, long time. The thing is, this started off as a harmless friendship, a friendship I'd never had. We had everything in common and to be honest I've always got on with males better than females, so yes although I found him attractive he was simply just a friend. I didn't lead him on in any way, shape or form. Thing is, as you can tell I was a extremely guarded person, so even if I was to have anything with anyone, it was very unlikely I would develop feelings. If anything I was the person who used people and they used me back. Terrible I know.

This time was so different though.

He tried his very hardest to crack through my 'hard shell' so they say. And whatever I said or did he didn't give in. So we continued to get closer and closer and before I knew it my best friend had turned into something way, way more. I told him about my past, my feelings, my illness at the time, I basically told him everything there is to know about me. I have no clue why but I trusted him, and after telling him all of that, the one thing he continuously reassured me was that whatever the world threw at us, we'd do it together and he'd look after me. The little fantasy Hollie came out (I'd always been a writer) and for some absurd reason, I believed every single word that had left his lips. 

For a period of time, it was extremely good, he would shower me in compliments, make me feel special and we would be together 24/7 which of course makes anyone feel good about themselves! However I'll never forget the thing he told me multiple times and really I should've known from this moment that something wasn't right - 'I love you, but I don't want anything serious just yet, lets not tell anyone' Oh yep. He told me he 'loved me' but was ashamed to be with me. Now I realise that girls and guys, that is NOT love, that's a guy talking with his penis. Thing is when you start to develop feelings for another human, you cannot see the wrong in anything they do or say and you'll do just about anything to justify it.  

At the time in my mind, I kind of just accepted that he wanted to take things 'slow' and I rolled with that. I mean he'd want to be with me one day right? We'd talked about the future, or so he had, moving into together, working together etc. It was ALL him who brought this all up, never once me. It wasn't long before he started manipulating me into hating everyone around me and started to pull me away from my family and my friends. I became isolated and felt like I couldn't be happy unless I was with him. I was losing so much of myself day by day without realising. I felt emotionally drained by it all. Although he never physically hurt me, I felt like mentally this was destroying me. 

Then came the day he suddenly changed. Without any reason, warning or sign... He distanced himself and started treating my like a friend and nothing more. After creating this big scenario in his and my head of the future we would have, sleeping with me multiple times and declaring his feelings more than I ever did, everything just stopped. I started to question what I had done wrong. I was becoming the girl I never wanted to be. He would never give me answers and would never want to talk about it. He started to blame me, saying it was simply all in my head. I'd honestly never felt so scared and alone in my life. One minute he wanted me the next he didn't and this went on for a good amount of time. 

" A manipulator avoids responsibility for his conduct by blaming others for causing it "

I blamed myself. I blamed my illness and it simply made this so much worse. I'd lost a lot of self worth however continued to fight for someone who didn't actually want me. I used to tell myself, if I had just never let my guard down, non of this would've happened. It was all my fault. My self worth had vanished, I felt so unimportant and no longer felt beautiful. 

I remember around October time, we finally had a chat, I built up the courage to finally speak up. At first he listened but within half an hour he had once again manipulated everything in my head, and said 'I don't expect you to wait for me but I'll always love you' but silly old be was that smitten... I promised I would wait. Truth is, he was never ready, and he was never going to be ready. But yet I carried on trying. Months went by and he made out as if he wanted something more again (hello Mr penis talking) and once again, I stupidly fell for it. I thought if I gave him time, he'd stick to everything he had said and we'd be happy. Through this I was walking on eggshells and always trying to please him, deep down I was just left feeling confused and hurt. Then a few weeks went by... he switched again and this time it was 10 times worse.

He stopped texting, stopped calling, didn't see me for a whole month after seeing me near enough every day for a whole year. I felt lost. I knew that there had to be something more behind it all. Whenever I tried to message, again it was like I was a burden and chore to talk to, but I was still so 'in love' with him... there was no chance of me standing up for myself. And he knew it, he knew he could always win. Until the day came and I found out the truth. He had been seeing another girl. Without even the thought to tell me. In that moment, I swear to god I felt like my whole entire world was crashing down around me. I felt disgusted at the thought of me being in the same bed as him, knowing she had also been there. I felt dirty, used and disgusted. I was made out to be obsessive and crazy, which WASN'T me. In fact I'm the opposite. He had manipulated me that much that I felt like I had lost everything and every one. 

I confronted him about it and although he denied it, I knew it was the truth. Before I knew it the next week he had blocked my number, blocked me on all social media platforms and wouldn't pick up a single call. I was utterly gobsmacked. I mean that should've been the other way around, right? Haha. Chances are he had made it out to be all my fault which the thought of killed me but as time went on, I began to care less and less. I realised he had taken away a good year of my life and although that was painfull, I also learned from it. 

From that moment on, I knew I had to focus on no one but myself. I knew my trust issues were worse than before but I also knew that it had taught me something. It taught me that when a guy says 'he's not ready' - it's his penis wanting you, not him. Haha. 

In all seriousness, it took me a while to get through, but I have got through it and my god, in the end, I'm glad he did what he did. It gave me a escape route from all the emotional torture he was putting me through. The mind games, the manipulation, the confusion, the guilt. The things is, none of it was my fault, I was never being obsessive, I was never hurting him and I never once led him on. I was always honest, kind and fair. I'm a completely different woman now! I don't let the past control my future relationships, I feel and love more than I ever had and I am NOT ashamed to do so! With that I attract the right people, the ones who feel the same as me! Most importantly I am SO happy on my own! I have fallen in love with myself and that to me means more than anything.

So girls and guys, if you ever find yourself in a situation with someone where you feel trapped or scared, or emotionally drained, chances are it's not right. Don't let anyone make you feel like you're not worthy enough, like you're a burden or that things are your fault when you're just expressing your feelings. Don't let someone change you into something you're not or control you. The right person will love you for you, will express how they feel, won't play mind games, they won't give false hope, they will appreciate you, if they want you they will keep you, think of how you'd treat the person you love! Well that's how they will love you back. Not all abuse is physical. Toxic relationships are terrifying. Sometimes we can become emotionally abused and it creates us into something manipulated, scared and alone which can sometimes be just as bad as physical and impact your life in so many ways.

Don't be ashamed to speak up and leave that god damn person.


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