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A Raw Post | These things make us stronger.

"Don't kill yourself for something you're not meant to look like" 

I saw this quote. And it hit me hard. It hit me in a way I've not felt for a long time and I've realised my current state of mind and feelings aren't the place I wish them to be. 

I want to be completely real with you guys and I've been having a few bumps, ups and downs and throws around in terms of my eating disorder. I've felt very out of control with my life, stress levels have been high and the one thing I've turned to is the dreaded thing.

This is actually really hard for me to write however... 

The thing is I thought I was doing really well with my recovery but looking at it right at this moment in time... I'm not. I'm reaching a crack in the long winding road. My current relationship with food and my body isn't as good as it has been. I'm finding myself falling back into obsessions with food, how much I should or shouldn't be eating, what I should weigh, numbers and calories. I'm fearing food. And reaching a point where I just want a break from it all. I want to wake up without thinking about food, I want to fall asleep without thinking about food. I want to stop worrying what others think of me and how much of an inconvenience I feel I am. 

I know when stress arises in my life I do struggle more. That's sadly what it does. I use food to control my feelings, pain and things I'd rather shut out. 

So I've had enough. I don't want to be her anymore. I don't want her to keep controlling me. Yes, she'll forever be part of me. But I don't want to feel like I need to use her to help me control my thoughts, feelings and life. 

I don't want people walking on egg shells around me, worrying or seeing me as someone I'm not.

I don't need this perfect image to allow people to love me. We think we're made up of numbers and pounds but we are not. I've learned people like and love you for so much more than your weight, food you eat or size of your thighs. There is so so so much more to life than restricting yourself, causing your mind and body so much damage, pushing people away all for something you're never really happy with anyway. If you spend so much time obsessing on these things you actually miss out on people and things which actually matter. And deep down I do know this. 

There are so many things that make me happy, which Is something I've lost track of. I have one thing that truly holds me on each day and this person I cherish with my life. It's rare you find it. I don't want this defining of numbers and food. I want to show I can love and smile. I don't want this to control my life for something I know will kill me. When I could live a life of happiness.

I can choose to keep obsessing over what I looked like or what I felt like 6 months ago or I can begin to live in this moment now. My bodies going to change, life changes, people come and go. 

YES, I've gained weight, so what? I have lumps and bumps and a ass and hips. But I'm healthy. That's more important than anything. 

The one person I always have is myself. I have to keep remembering that. 

I knew recovery was never going to be easy. I knew I was going to gain weight. I know my body needs time to heal and recover, along with my mind. It's tough. So damn tough. But it's how I face and battle these struggles which makes me a much stronger person. 

I'm going to try my hardest to keep on reminding myself why I started this journey in the first place.

I need to remember the place I'm in now is far better than what it was, and my god I can beat it.

I'm Hollie not Ana. the girl with the big blue eyes, the crazy laugh, awful sarcasm and secretly big heart. That isn't ever changing. 


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